We are about to depart on a once-in-a-lifetime overseas family holiday. All seven of us to the United States.

I am hoping that the only similarity between us and the “real” Brady Bunch is that we are also a blended family TERRIBLY EXCITED to be taking a holiday in America.

Because when Carol and Mike took their tribe on a trip there was some sort of disaster.

There was the vacation in Hawaii, where Greg, who for the record couldn’t surf anyway, wiped out, cracked his head on a baby reef and I think he suffered amnesia. Although to be honest I can’t remember.

Also on this Hawaiian holiday, the younger step-siblings went looking for a tiki in a cave where Vincent Price ( the narrator on Michael Jackson’s Thriller) ominously appeared, for I’m sure a good reason. There was a scorpion and some curses and an absent storyline. (Or maybe I have just forgotten it)

But there was also the holiday episode, which I can still recant, word-for-word to this day.

“Bobby!”

“Cindy!”

“Bobby!”

“Cindy!”  (Repeat 20 times)

You’ll recall Bobby and Cindy were lost in the Grand Canyon and everyone went looking for them, including an Indian who wanted to be an astronaut.  The end.

On this same holiday, the whole family was locked up by a crazy gold prospector, but that’s not a disaster, just ridiculous.

I mean as if there is any gold left to be mined.

Needless to say we are not going to Hawaii or Nevada.

Or taking an Alice.

But just in case we get locked up, get lost, get bitten by a scorpion or suffer amnesia-

Here is a mud map of our trip.

And as far as I can tell there’s no reef break or canyon in sight.

-Christmas in Los Angeles, with the hubby’s brother, his family and some Australian friends.

-A week in New York, including New Year’s Eve where I think the teenage girls, who have watched a hundred rom-com movies, are expecting to fall in love. (possible disaster)

-A few days in Orlando.

-A week on a cruise ship exploring the Caribbean.

Then a five days in Cancun, Mexico.

So in the lead-up to departure, the only obstacle, aside from the planning and the paying, has been the packing for two contrasting climates with luggage weight restrictions.

“No darling, you can’t wear a pair of shorts in New York and then on the cruise to save space in your suitcase.”

“No honey, that is not a disaster!”

Look out America, there’s a few episodes of our own to come.